Shallow Hal, Shallow me?

Wednesday – 25th April

I have been saying that we are too into appearances, focusing on the outside and not discovering what’s within the exterior of others. In order to avoid being falling into my own definition of ‘Swallow’, I tried to get to know people, be as impartial as possible and keep reminding myself that ‘Shallowness is a sign of weakness, a demonstration of ones lack of education and judgement in search of an easy answer’.

By the way, I have no idea what I was saying there. It was just some words that crawled out of my empty head. In essence, I felt I have sufficient education to understand how not to be shallow. But I am constantly fighting my natural instinct as we are born with this urge to be shallow. Like buying things that looks good even they have no use. The next woman on the street who has good look and body, etc etc. In is hard to believe it from someone who has a Type R. Considering nobody would buy a Type R for its economical driving experience or comfort, it is a non-starter in terms of argument. Yes, I bought it because it looks good and fast… I am shallow… sigh…

Why am I suddenly waffling about my new found shallowness? Err… Without going into the ‘specifics’ it is about a photo I came across. I am fully aware that a normal person doesn’t appear as pretty as real life behind the lens without a team of make up artists and lighting specialists. But I also know that if I see a spark, I would have felt it.

It is a known fact that ‘Expectation and imagination almost certain to lead to disappointment’. That’s why I no longer expect and in some way given up on any glimmer of hopes that something good will happen to me – A genuinely caring person J. I thought I am less shallow than others but when I am, just another shallow norm on the face of this planet.

I have been thinking about Miss E lately. As expected we haven’t contacted each other lately, our lives don’t cross and she has plenty of dates to go to. So, she is not the ideal wife / girlfriend for me. But yet, I would still want to go out with her despite being, kinda humiliated by the ways she treated me in the past. I guess the thing that I don’t understand / disappointed with myself is that if the question ‘If I am that lucky to have options, will I choose her?’ is posted, the answer is a straight YES. I thought I am too clever to fall for that, but I guess I am insanely stupid.

I often ask myself questions because it helps me to review my life. Why would I choose someone who doesn’t offer the sense of security I need, nor the attention / affection that is required even for a friendship?

Maybe I shouldn’t use logic to understand when it comes to certain life situation. Surely not something that will never happen, especially those ‘I will buy you a meal’ excuses from a certain section of the Asian community is getting extremely old and irritating.