Shallow Hal, Shallow me?

Wednesday – 25th April

I have been saying that we are too into appearances, focusing on the outside and not discovering what’s within the exterior of others. In order to avoid being falling into my own definition of ‘Swallow’, I tried to get to know people, be as impartial as possible and keep reminding myself that ‘Shallowness is a sign of weakness, a demonstration of ones lack of education and judgement in search of an easy answer’.

By the way, I have no idea what I was saying there. It was just some words that crawled out of my empty head. In essence, I felt I have sufficient education to understand how not to be shallow. But I am constantly fighting my natural instinct as we are born with this urge to be shallow. Like buying things that looks good even they have no use. The next woman on the street who has good look and body, etc etc. In is hard to believe it from someone who has a Type R. Considering nobody would buy a Type R for its economical driving experience or comfort, it is a non-starter in terms of argument. Yes, I bought it because it looks good and fast… I am shallow… sigh…

Why am I suddenly waffling about my new found shallowness? Err… Without going into the ‘specifics’ it is about a photo I came across. I am fully aware that a normal person doesn’t appear as pretty as real life behind the lens without a team of make up artists and lighting specialists. But I also know that if I see a spark, I would have felt it.

It is a known fact that ‘Expectation and imagination almost certain to lead to disappointment’. That’s why I no longer expect and in some way given up on any glimmer of hopes that something good will happen to me – A genuinely caring person J. I thought I am less shallow than others but when I am, just another shallow norm on the face of this planet.

I have been thinking about Miss E lately. As expected we haven’t contacted each other lately, our lives don’t cross and she has plenty of dates to go to. So, she is not the ideal wife / girlfriend for me. But yet, I would still want to go out with her despite being, kinda humiliated by the ways she treated me in the past. I guess the thing that I don’t understand / disappointed with myself is that if the question ‘If I am that lucky to have options, will I choose her?’ is posted, the answer is a straight YES. I thought I am too clever to fall for that, but I guess I am insanely stupid.

I often ask myself questions because it helps me to review my life. Why would I choose someone who doesn’t offer the sense of security I need, nor the attention / affection that is required even for a friendship?

Maybe I shouldn’t use logic to understand when it comes to certain life situation. Surely not something that will never happen, especially those ‘I will buy you a meal’ excuses from a certain section of the Asian community is getting extremely old and irritating.

Lost in translation – Sunday 15th April

I can see why this film has its fans. Having heard good reviews about it from the media I was looking forward to the 9pm slot on Channel 4 this evening. My comment is ‘Naturally Clever’. I am not a fan of Bill Murray and don’t particularly like Scarlett Johannson either. I don’t see why many people think she is ‘out of this world’ pretty. She is prettier than many, but I don’t see what other people see for sure. Anyway, it is brilliantly scripted and the acting was very raw and believable from Scarlett and comfortably uneasy from Murray. Maybe that’s why it is very easy for a viewer to immerse into it. I feel empty and lost (feeling) after watching it. It is not the end that makes me empty, it is the message that we all have our responsibilities in life, to the people around us, we just can’t do what we want even if that would make our lives worth living for.

“Life is about what we can let go, not what can get.”

Enough words of sentiment, need to stop it before I emotional tank burst again.

What is happening in my life? I have moved recently. This time to a 1 bedroom flat in Burnham. It is much bigger than the shed and I can fit everything here so I don’t need the storage anymore. On top of that, I get a garden and plenty of room to walkabout when I don’t need to travel. So all in all, not bad for me.

Work-wise… I got a pay rise and a bonus. Not as much as I want but anything is good and I am gratefully accepting it. Just have to wait and see my next payslip. Who knows, maybe it is a pay rise for Mr Brown and not me.

Love-wise… Well. As expected, Susanna has a boyfriend. Despite she saying they've lost the sparks, etc etc… I don’t feel there is anything for me to work on. I know Miss E is a dead end so looks like I have to keep travelling on the single lane for a while. Susanna and I talk from time to time, e-mails, or text or phone. They were nice conversations, as friends only. I don’t overstep the line because I think those who ‘swoop in’ are SCUM and I am not one of them.

The funny thing is this. She said let’s go to IKEA and she will help me shop for my new place. She also mentioned she doesn’t mind cooking a meal for me if I buy her a meal first. That makes me wonder, what exactly is happening? Am I too black and white as a person? Connie said she is curious and would like to get to know me. Fine, I don’t mind get to know her either. It is nice to hear the phrase ‘Drive safely’ from someone who doesn’t have the need to say it. Someone to care is a bonus, I am not asking for the whole world.

Considering what ‘Dai Lo’ said to me before, ‘Girls always say YES but it doesn’t mean YES’. I will let nature take its course.