I am SORRY

First of all, I am very grateful for my friends who messaged me about the status of my birth certificate – living or deceased. I would like to inform you all that the last 6 weeks or so was the most colourful period in my life. But as ever, nothing is simple and I have to live with the guilt of hurting other people.

It breaks my heart to have to say no to Susanna. She and I had some wonderful times together but the timing wasn’t right. She was in a relationship then and when she broke up with her boyfriend I started seeing someone. I have never had the chance to deal with things like this and certainly don’t want to be in such a position. She is a nice person, she cares about me and wants to spend time with me but all I did was to break her heart, made her cried. What have I done? I can only say SORRY and live with the guilt of hurting her. It is not fair to say I don’t care about her but… I am with a very nice and considerate person now. All I can say/do is to wish her all the best in the future and be a good friend.

AWOL – 14th May 2007

I can’t believe the last time I blog was 3 weeks ago. What had happened since then… I can’t remember much to be honest. With work dominating my life it is tough to sit down and write about it. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t do 24/7 but I really find the amount of hours I do a bit over the top so when it comes to weekend, some ‘Homer’ like lying around time is much appreciated.

Let me step back in time… (actually have to read my last entry to know what I was doing) Ah… Yes. It was the week before Susanna and I met up. I remember that particular Saturday morning I drove all the way to Belsize Park. On one hand I was quite excited that I have new friend. On another hand, the roads in London is so awful that I was all stressed out with all the one ways, speed bumps and to top everything my SAT NAV doesn’t get proper signal once I am in London.

After a few phone calls, she finally found my car. She sat down, we said hi and then straight to IKEA. She is a very nice person, we talked about quite a few things and the drive to IKEA was quite a joy. After we got there, the usual ‘buy this and that’ started flying around. I convinced her to buy a few pieces of kitchenware and she helped me find my good office chair. When the dust settled, we grabbed an ice cream before heading to BenniHana for a quick Tappanyaki.

We got there about 2:45, and the lunch hour ends at 3pm. I asked the lady at the door whether we can still have lunch, she gave us the nod and we sat down for the meal. It was a very guilty meal because we made everyone stayed for us…

After the meal, we went for a walk in Brent Cross and she showed me what a girl normally do in a shopping mall. She was very restrained and didn’t buy anything but I know she was itching to shop.

Overall, it was nice to spend a day with someone else’s girlfriend. We chatted, walked around and at the end, I know I am not the one who has to provide the attention and have to deal with all the little things in a relationship. Of course, you get what you give and intimacy is certainly not on this menu but it was a nice day out for us.

Since then we chat from time to time and went to watch a film last weekend, as friends of course. I, as a typical guy, want to watch Spiderman 3. But she dragged me to watch Bean on holiday and it was a little bit better than I expected. After the film we went to Oriental City and then Ice Cream at Brent Cross again.

Work still sucks, too much to do and so little time to do them in. The worse thing is I have been asked to do a zillion things by different project managers. I will look for a change when I get to my 2 years anniversary at this company.

Shallow Hal, Shallow me?

Wednesday – 25th April

I have been saying that we are too into appearances, focusing on the outside and not discovering what’s within the exterior of others. In order to avoid being falling into my own definition of ‘Swallow’, I tried to get to know people, be as impartial as possible and keep reminding myself that ‘Shallowness is a sign of weakness, a demonstration of ones lack of education and judgement in search of an easy answer’.

By the way, I have no idea what I was saying there. It was just some words that crawled out of my empty head. In essence, I felt I have sufficient education to understand how not to be shallow. But I am constantly fighting my natural instinct as we are born with this urge to be shallow. Like buying things that looks good even they have no use. The next woman on the street who has good look and body, etc etc. In is hard to believe it from someone who has a Type R. Considering nobody would buy a Type R for its economical driving experience or comfort, it is a non-starter in terms of argument. Yes, I bought it because it looks good and fast… I am shallow… sigh…

Why am I suddenly waffling about my new found shallowness? Err… Without going into the ‘specifics’ it is about a photo I came across. I am fully aware that a normal person doesn’t appear as pretty as real life behind the lens without a team of make up artists and lighting specialists. But I also know that if I see a spark, I would have felt it.

It is a known fact that ‘Expectation and imagination almost certain to lead to disappointment’. That’s why I no longer expect and in some way given up on any glimmer of hopes that something good will happen to me – A genuinely caring person J. I thought I am less shallow than others but when I am, just another shallow norm on the face of this planet.

I have been thinking about Miss E lately. As expected we haven’t contacted each other lately, our lives don’t cross and she has plenty of dates to go to. So, she is not the ideal wife / girlfriend for me. But yet, I would still want to go out with her despite being, kinda humiliated by the ways she treated me in the past. I guess the thing that I don’t understand / disappointed with myself is that if the question ‘If I am that lucky to have options, will I choose her?’ is posted, the answer is a straight YES. I thought I am too clever to fall for that, but I guess I am insanely stupid.

I often ask myself questions because it helps me to review my life. Why would I choose someone who doesn’t offer the sense of security I need, nor the attention / affection that is required even for a friendship?

Maybe I shouldn’t use logic to understand when it comes to certain life situation. Surely not something that will never happen, especially those ‘I will buy you a meal’ excuses from a certain section of the Asian community is getting extremely old and irritating.

Lost in translation – Sunday 15th April

I can see why this film has its fans. Having heard good reviews about it from the media I was looking forward to the 9pm slot on Channel 4 this evening. My comment is ‘Naturally Clever’. I am not a fan of Bill Murray and don’t particularly like Scarlett Johannson either. I don’t see why many people think she is ‘out of this world’ pretty. She is prettier than many, but I don’t see what other people see for sure. Anyway, it is brilliantly scripted and the acting was very raw and believable from Scarlett and comfortably uneasy from Murray. Maybe that’s why it is very easy for a viewer to immerse into it. I feel empty and lost (feeling) after watching it. It is not the end that makes me empty, it is the message that we all have our responsibilities in life, to the people around us, we just can’t do what we want even if that would make our lives worth living for.

“Life is about what we can let go, not what can get.”

Enough words of sentiment, need to stop it before I emotional tank burst again.

What is happening in my life? I have moved recently. This time to a 1 bedroom flat in Burnham. It is much bigger than the shed and I can fit everything here so I don’t need the storage anymore. On top of that, I get a garden and plenty of room to walkabout when I don’t need to travel. So all in all, not bad for me.

Work-wise… I got a pay rise and a bonus. Not as much as I want but anything is good and I am gratefully accepting it. Just have to wait and see my next payslip. Who knows, maybe it is a pay rise for Mr Brown and not me.

Love-wise… Well. As expected, Susanna has a boyfriend. Despite she saying they've lost the sparks, etc etc… I don’t feel there is anything for me to work on. I know Miss E is a dead end so looks like I have to keep travelling on the single lane for a while. Susanna and I talk from time to time, e-mails, or text or phone. They were nice conversations, as friends only. I don’t overstep the line because I think those who ‘swoop in’ are SCUM and I am not one of them.

The funny thing is this. She said let’s go to IKEA and she will help me shop for my new place. She also mentioned she doesn’t mind cooking a meal for me if I buy her a meal first. That makes me wonder, what exactly is happening? Am I too black and white as a person? Connie said she is curious and would like to get to know me. Fine, I don’t mind get to know her either. It is nice to hear the phrase ‘Drive safely’ from someone who doesn’t have the need to say it. Someone to care is a bonus, I am not asking for the whole world.

Considering what ‘Dai Lo’ said to me before, ‘Girls always say YES but it doesn’t mean YES’. I will let nature take its course.

Susanna

Wednesday 28th –March

It seems like months since I last wrote a blog. My life had been quite hectic since my return from Cuba. I have been travelling, looking for a new place to live and visiting friends and my sister.

Anything going on? Umm…. Well… Miss E called and apologise. Not quite actually. It was me who initiated the conversation by text and then she called and apologise for making me mad. Therefore it wasn’t the case that she wants to apologise. I felt nothing at all to be frank because it didn’t feel sincere at all. It was more like sorry for the sake of sorry and not really trying to understand why I was disappointed in her actions. Expectation is often too much but a normal person would ask why, what has he/she done wrong, but not her. Connie said she only cares about herself and despite hoping that it isn’t the case it is tough to argue. As I said before, not going is fine, but tell me early so I can go.

She offered to make it up to me by buying me a meal. (Cough cough)…. Can I say I can’t see it happening? The chance of the moon failing out of the sky is a lot higher than she buying me a meal. Why am I so negative about it? Simple, there is something call ‘statistics’ and by counting the number of times she said something but didn’t even put in the effort it is a straight forward fact. I am not going to make time for anything. I have a new place I need to decorate!!!

Am I holding a grudge against her? YES. I am not going to be messed about. Nobody can!!! My attitude is always the same, ‘If you want to play, let’s play. You have no idea how nasty I can be.’ I don’t really care about her anymore. This is a joke and we both had a laugh, that’s it, final, period.

There is a little bright spot in my life. To put her as the title of a blog shows how much she means to me, even I have yet to meet her. So far, the comment I have is ‘FATE’. My friend Sancho used my Christian name to book the Cuba trip but the name is not on my passport. So I had to call the travel agent to change it and… it was Susanna who answered the call. We had a brief chat, then I got her e-mail address (that was before the trip) she was very nice on the phone.

After returning from Cuba and the whole Crufts Fiasco I decided to get in touch and just to say thanks to her and hopefully get some sort of conversation going. We started exchanging e-mails (they are long e-mails) about our lives, hobbies and just general stuff. I found out that she works 7 days most of the time, she has quite a few dogs and where she lives, etc etc.

I have to commend on her work ethics because working 11 hours a day, 7 days a week is tough and that makes me like her even more. On top of that, she genuinely loves dogs and not someone who just goes out and buys a puppy because it is cute. In terms of character, she is great. In our e-mails, we talk about other things too. She seems to care about me as a friend and I sincerely hope she and I will meet up soon. Unfortunately can’t do it before her birthday as it is the 2nd of April.

I often found myself attracted to the character of an individual. Yes. As a human being I am also shallow and into appearance but I am not looking for a stunning beauty, as long as she is comfortable to look at, and more importantly when I look at her, I feel that’s all I want to look at for the rest of my life that’s enough for me.

Fingers crossed she doesn’t have a boyfriend and is half as good as I think her is.

Crufts and me

This blog has to jump the queue for sure. Let’s roll back a few days to last Friday. I asked Miss E whether she was going to Crufts on Saturday. She said she was cooking and will call me back. OK, fine… tick tick tick… 2 hours later, nothing. I called, left a message and then went to bed. Saturday morning, nothing still. I went back to the office, collected my R and basically on standby until the last moment I had to leave. 10 o’clock, couldn’t wait much longer. Jumped into my car and blasted to Birmingham. On the way, she called with a very different tone to the night before… ‘Sorry I missed your message, not feeling well, blar blar blar’.

I am not doubting whether she was ill or not. In fact it doesn’t matter because I have already left for Birmingham. What I am not happy about was the fact that I wasn’t informed about it. I need to drive into London if she goes and if she was up front about it, at least I can tell her take a rest and if she didn’t feel any better I will go. Too many maybes and sometimes and sorry to say, after 5 months, enough is enough. I know women want to be chase, want to be spoiled but this is a joke now.

Let’s talk about something more positive. I arrived at NEC, with my heavy EOS3 + 70-200 L IS + Speedlite 550EX I was ready to shoot. First impression, how big is it? Then followed by so many people and so many dogs… It was great fun, really great despite being alone. I had opportunities to stroke difference breeds, spoke to their owners, asked them for advices and shoot. Over the 2 days I was really happy that I was there, a Bichon Frise licked my nose and it felt kinda weird. Dogs are amazing, they sensed my sadness and most of them came to cheer me up. The owners were amazing too, answered any questions people asked and once I point my camera they were so proud that someone wanted to take photos of their pride and joy that they did whatever they could to help.

I shot 4 colours and 2 black and whites in 2 days, that’s what I call production. I have to admit probably half of them will be shite as I seriously don’t like using flash and in general head on flash but I have no choice. I prefer bounce flash but no money to get an angle diffuser. I hope there will be 1 or 2 that are good, but the experience over the 2 days, put all person issues aside, was great.

I did do something very un-gentleman like on Sunday. Miss E called and asked me whether I have time to join for a group dinner. Of course, that my ‘family’ group… I said I am going to be busy in the foreseeable future and don’t know when I will be free. Which is true because I have to find a place to move before the first week of April. Anyway, I remember towards the end, I said, ‘I don’t want to promise you I will come and then not showing up again’. She paused…

I stress that I didn’t say it to take a swipe at her. But she took it that way and complained to Connie. I don’t know, part of me feel bad for this but more part of me actually felt pretty good. She has done it plenty of times and why can’t I? Am I becoming a true arse worthy person? Who knows, maybe that’s the way to be attractive, what a joke.

Today, spoke to a very well respected Dai Lo about this. She said ‘she said yes to go doesn’t mean she wants to go’. I understand girls can be irrational, but irrational and utter disrespectful is different, at least they spell different. If she and most Asian women want me to not to take them seriously then fine, not gonna argue. I just go on and shoot photos and ‘in search of an oasis’.

Cuba trip

28th Feb –Just a brief summary

Before I start rambling about my first day of travel let me just briefly mention what had happened in the past 2 weeks. I was in Ipswich as usual and did myself proud by dragging the project towards the finishing line – all by myself with minimal help.

Anyway, holiday had to start and I returned the project to it rightful owner – Sifu. It was nice not needing to check work e-mails, answer any questions, and attend these crazy 5 o’clock conference calls organised by people who works at home.

Love life? I really don’t know. I sent Miss E a text saying how cruel she is to travel back home on the 14th and not even give me a chance to send her some flowers. Her reply was very ‘Come and get me’. Did she mean it? Have to wait and see.

Car-wise? The R is just great. Perfect to drive but harsh on bumpy roads. What do you expect? It is a performance car and so it should be.

Back to reality – Cuba

I left home at 6:45 and drive through wind and rain to arrive promptly at Gatwick at 8:45. Just a little under 4 hours before the departure time. I was overwhelmed with excitements and didn’t really care about the time I have to stand inside the terminal.

The flight was alright, I hate small planes though. They are uncomfortable and too shaky, something that unsettles me quite a bit. Finally arrived at Holguin airport after 10+ hours and I began to run out of petrol. The custom was surprisingly tight because what could I possibly bring to Cuba that could harm this country? How many years have you lived in UK? What do you do? What are you good at? (I think she meant job) I was tempted to joke and reply SEX, but I guess it was not wise to make such a comment. In fact, it had been such a long time that I felt my manhood will soon become an optional extra like what’s on a car’s option list. I am not too bothered about it. I guess waking up with someone I love is a billion times better than waking up with someone who needs to associate my face with a number.

Guardalavaca is the first stop. Brises hotel is the place to stay. I saw absolutely nothing on the way as it was pitch black. However, the air and everything else reminds me of Malaysia, where Miss E came from. Is it a sign? I guess I secretly fancy her a lot more than I am willing to admit to myself, I am an idiot…

Someone must have attached a fake star to the ranking as this is no way this hotel worth 4 stars. Things are old, smells old which sums up perfectly by a discoloured toilet seat. The food was strangely neither here of there. Chicken dishes taste like Chinese but not proper Chinese. Veggie soup tastes like Veggie soup with a strong hint of meat, etc. I could go on for days. The fact is that this is Cuba, so that’s how it should be, we are taking our daily luxury too much for granted.

Very tired now, let me go to sleep and dream about Miss E, Night…
Thursday – 1st March

March arrived rather quickly, I have to admit. I was expecting by this time of the year I would have done either one of these things – Got rejected by someone or moved home. Neither has yet to happen but I know one thing for sure. I am moving ASAP as Burghfield is one of the worst places to live. Poor infrastructure. Middle of nowhere, a bit like where I am now.

What have I done today? Let’s start from the beginning. I woke up at 5:30 Cuba time. Then unleashed my camera equipments and head to the beach. Despite it being very tropical looking I struggled to find much that will capture my imagination. Anyone can shoot palm trees and sand so there is no need for me to shoot those. What I shot today were photos of crabs + a very beautiful girl. With a 70-200 L IS at my disposal there was no need for me to get close and asked for permission. I just went paparazzi mode. If there is another chance, I would like to ask her to pose for me as the 3 I took weren’t under perfect setup.

I then stopped all photography activities and went for a swim. However, it wasn’t that enjoyable as the depth was shallow and inconsistent. I was 100m offshore and could still stand up comfortably at certain areas. I decided to do a bit of sun bathing and re-think my strategy. The next time I returned to the sea was in a canoe with Sancho. We did pretty well out there and spent about 45 mins paddling around to locate some areas of interests. I then snorkelled for about 2 hours in total in the afternoon checking out sea life, swam with fish and saw a variety of sea urchin (ouch) and underwater life. Then some more canoeing before calling it a day.

Absolutely shattered in the evening. Sun burnt kicked in and the pretty poor Italian meal wasn’t good enough to keep me awake either.

Overall the second day was a blast. It is so nice to be away from the UK, away from all the troubles at work and people and just enjoy the sun, sea, sand and peace.


Friday 22nd March

We have surely used up our sun exposure quota yesterday. The skin on my body (especially my legs) is so tight that I felt like I was a medium guy wearing a small size skin. I found it difficult to even walk. So, today’s plan needs to be altered. Instead of swimming and other water activities I am at the time writing, sitting on a deck chair, under a tree with an open view of the very clear water and just relax. Sleep when I want to and enjoying some clean air which doesn’t exist in the UK.

Very typical of a guy thing – any nice girls? There are quite a few. The American girl yesterday was very nice. I actually waited for her to come to the beach for her seashells but this morning still didn’t turn up. So, anyway, I am here to relax, would be nice to meet someone but not essential. Almost lunch time, need to get some food.

Let’s be very cynical after a hotdog. I am seeing a lot of whoppers lying flat on the chair waiting to be roasted. There is a handful of the female laid here that warrant the expression of ‘Oh my dear God, she is gorgeous’. However, even when I run into one, what I would do is just like every man out there. Which is aim, lock, turn my head and fell down / hit a post. At no time did I feel like ‘Let’s go to her and ask her name. I haven’t got the ‘urge’ factor to do such thing and I guess most importantly I have, or should I say, my heart has already made a choice. I am not certain what choice it is now but I will know very very soon.

Having spent most of the day sitting in shade to nurse my injuries, the second day was kinda wasted. However, Sancho and I did have a game of giant chess at the villa. The titanic battle lasted 2 hours and ended in a draw. Although technically I won because I have an extra bishop over his pawn. Anyway, I am just glad that my method won. I admit I am a very crap player, but it is not easy to beat me. I don’t follow the traditional playing method. To put it in a sinister way, my strategy is best described as the Al Qaeda method.

One final evening meal here was spent at their seafood restaurant. It was ok, much better than the night before.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Saturday 3rd March

It is time to say goodbye to Guardalavaca and hello to Havana – The capital city of Cuba. Before we go though, we need to find out when our coach is leaving. At no point did we received any info about the transfer and I have to call the rep to find out. Luckily, I did because my guesstimate of 2pm was slightly out by the factor of 1 hour.

After more travel excursions I was looking forward to staying at a nicer hotel based on the assumption that it is Havana and not in the middle of nowhere. However, all me hopes was dashed the moment the room (Bungalow) door opened. Mosquitoes, accompanied this weird ‘dead water’ smell in the room. On top of that the fridge was broken and the shower was beyond repair it was tough to even wash the millipede down the drain. Water leak from upstairs, etc.. endless. Anyway, this is Cuba and the 4 stars ranking here means it is a 4 starts in Cuba and nowhere else. Just like the fact that they have pesos and convertible pesos. So my recommendation for any stingy people from the developed country is that you always do a minus 1.5 stars to any ranking you see here. why 0.5 star? Because you need to expect some age to the hotel.

It is a shame that we didn’t visit Varadero because I heard it is the best resort in Cuba.

I am not so much whining here but stating what I see. It is an experience and a good one because we take everything for granted. Like me, I don’t earn grad banker money but I have the luxury of 2 cars (now 1, see later blog) for work and fun. I go to nice places to eat and I have a comfy bed to sleep at night. These are not items that are readily available here/ Life is about experiences and this is a good one at this stage when my ego is getting excessively large.

Dinner? Some sort of Cuban cuisine according to the rep. It was ok, quite good actually but let down but the poor service.

Sunday – 4th March

The sun burnt is getting a bit better partly because I have been shading myself and I took some anti-inflammatory. My legs are swollen still and I am not very mobile at the moment. Fingers crossed they will be alright by Tuesday night as I have to fly back and drive afterwards.

I am looking forward to go back home. It is relaxing here and the purpose of a holiday is to relax. But being a workaholic I would like to go to bed and know that I have achieve something. Especially when I have paid the money. Coming over here is not cheap and apart from day 1, I don’t think I have done much.

Tomorrow I am going to this tour which hopefully will allow me to shoot good photos and make my money worth. The dilemma I have right now is whether I should take the 70-200 L IS because the build quality of the Tamron 28-75 is not quite there and I have a fragment inside the lens which will be tough for me to clean. I don’t want to ruin my 1 and only chance to shoot. Even more painful is that I will have to replace it, which is not cheap.

Summary

There is more to the trip, but I am not going to type them up because I am very tired – mentally and emotionally with the incidences since I returned to the UK. I might leave soon, I said this plenty of time before but somehow I can’t find a reason to stay no more.