Home sweet home, for 2 weeks only....

Well... What a hectic April.

It is so nice to be home. I love this place, I have all the space I need, neighbours are very nice, I can see the Downs and the stars at night. What I love the most is the smell of fresh air, the freshness of the grass plus a hint of the after product of Ms Cow’s late dinner the night before. I grew up here, spent my teenage years here and it is just sad that I have to sell. This place is perfect to start a family and what a shame that I can only dream of the arrival of that day. I guess it is only fair to let a new family to enjoy this place as I can’t make the full use of it.

Now, after 2 weeks at home, I have to become a Nomad yet again. I am still torn between buying and renting. After my experience at High Wycombe (with a Gxxxx’x letting) let me down completely I prefer not to rent again. The bad tastes are still fresh in my mouth. However, with the property prices the way they are, the UK doesn’t offer value for money. The government is incompetent and so are the numerous managers who don’t have a clue how to run the team.

Anyway, that’s my personal opinion, plus every employee in every company.

I am contemplating my next step in life. Sometimes, I just want to pack my bag and leave, become a charity worker somewhere in Africa, see and live the life there and wonder why we are so greedy, needy that in order to live our lives the way it is we have to destroy every bit of goodness out there.

I am no Christian, but I do believe there is a higher power above. What I am seeing, experiencing is because that “entity” is trying to tell me something. Lives cascade in a chaotic pattern, I hope I can see through it but seeing through myself is difficult enough, never mind the construction of a system of infinite size containing numerous dependant layers that interacts.

Yet more terrorist bombing and this time is in Egypt. If there is such ‘entity’, whether it is God, Allah or some other. Why would someone be so twisted to think that this higher power needs our help to do something for him? To ask one to kill, murder another of his creation is totally absurd. If indeed this is the case, is that entity still worth our devotion and worship? Our obsesses with power and the chance to play God is going to end our civilisation like many before us. Wouldn’t it be great if life is indeed simple?

Brutal Honesty

We all claimed to be honest and genuine, but yet we often lie to the people around us, our workmates, friends, or even love ones. Those are supposed to be 'white lies', but how can that differ from lie itself? So someone who has a girlfriend and lie to another woman about being single is not correct. However, he/she who had an affair and lie to his/her partner because 'he/she doesn't want to hurt the other' is perfectly acceptable???

There isn't a definite line drawn when it comes to morality. We tend to do what we want to do at the time, putting ourselves ahead of many. Afterall, can you blame someone for trying to find happiness? There isn't a selfless person, unfortunately. There are people who are less selfish, but selfless? I have yet to see one myself. At this point, there are bound to be a few who said 'I am doing this and this to save the world, help others, etc etc'. May I ask you something, when you are wasted in the pub, have you thought about those who are starving to death in developing countries? When you spend an evening chilling out, watching TV, have you thought about what you could have done with those times? Even for yourself, improve yourself? I know I am very harsh, but please don't take it as an offense because I am just point out the obvious - selflessness doesn't exist.

If you are so arrogant to the point that you say my comments are unreasonable, then I am glad to inform you the news - You are a normal human being. A selfless individual is likely to be 1: GOD, 2: He/she lost everything already, 3: He/she is already dead.

The same formula applies for all things. A while ago, I had a conversation with a friend about the government being corrupted. Which is true, but how can any person not being 'corrupted' when our livelihood is about earning the money to feed ourselves, spoil ourselves? I am not here to argue because for me, arguing is a total waste of time. At first, it is constructive, but after a while it becomes a personal dual to see who can get one to agree, to bow to another. I am presenting another side of the coin, that's all.

My job allows me to meet people from all walks of life, different backgrounds, different cultures, ethnic origins, etc. What I found fascinating is that no matter who they are, where they came from, they all have a big 'ME' element in the way they make decisions. Why do you have to be right? Why do you have to be so precise in every single thing?

The truth is that unless we can be brutally honest with ourselves, treat ourselves like every other person you meet on the street and vice versa, then all the talks about world peace, wiping third world debt, saving the planet is just gas coming out of our backsides. 'Why do we need weapons? Because they have weapons!!' How many lives can those money saves? Need I say more???

Last week, I talked to my mum on the phone about some treatment I am having to.. get myself some 'sparks' (hair) back. I noticed there is a clinic at the Victoria station but I just couldn't be bothered... until I went out with a very nice person and she told me we have no sparks. To be fair, she was right, but I use it as an excuse to get some manhood back. I had no idea what happened but I signed my life away - literally. Just like any treatments, side affects are never far away and this particular drug has certain affects on male. Without going into details, my mum was getting worry.

I said to her, 'It would be wrong not to at least try because what I am trying to do is to get more opportunities. It is better to get a rejection after a few dates than getting it before the date. Human beings are so focus on what they perceive that you have to get along with it, this is life.'

"Those unfortunate not to have sight can see a better world than anyone of us who can"

Was I hurt by it, YES. It is literally like someone walk up to me and said 'You have no/less talents than others'. You got to care because you do have talent, just that some of us are too blinded, too self conscious to take a step back and open our eyes. I know I sound bitter and like I am getting my own back at her, but it is not the case because I still love her... in a strange way. That comment is for all of us.

"We are all talented one way or another, you just need to find the right audience."

Love Chop Suey

Yet another power cut at my rented apartment. 1 every other month is unacceptable. What year is it? 1960?

A few thoughts came into my mind when I was trying to get to sleep last night...

When I don't see her, I think about her all the time.
When I see her, I don't want the leave her.
When I had to go, I felt a big part of me is missing.
If love is sweet, why does it come with so much pain?

"It is sweet when you love and be loved, but the pain is gut wrenching when you love and not be loved."

Sometimes, I just wish I can forget about it and pretend it never happened. But how is that possible if I truly love her in the first place? What I found extraordinary is one would accept all the negatives of another which he/she wouldn't accept on others because of the magic word 'Love'.

Love is open to interpretation of each individual. Like one prefer to step back and admire the entire painting and one prefer to fixate in one part. Being the former, I prefer to discover the inner beauty of an individual and not focusing on the appearance. I love her because she is a very kind person, she loves the environment and is doing what she can to make a difference. It would be nice if we can travel together, she saves the woods and I help the organisation with my camera. I am not giving up because I believe true love does exist and it is not born of boredom and the desperation for companionship.

What is True Love?? It is an Oasis.