I am a dating / relationship idiot

I didn’t plan to write anything until I had a conversation with my ex on the MSN. It was just a normal chat until we touched on the dating issue. Not that she and I will date again because that’s history and I only have one person in my mind right now. On the dating front, the first thing she said was NOT to get any flowers on the first date. It is not the first time I heard this, Connie said the same thing before my last date. But being a member of the male species I didn’t listen at all and got a big bunch of flowers anyway. The date went pretty well and apart from the fact that I didn’t get a second date. One would say that was a complete failure but it was just a date, just an experience in my view.

The reasons not to get any flowers were : Too serious, softie. I am puzzled… so buying some flowers to show my appreciation is wrong, I should be casual and not show too much interest… What’s the matter with women? Some women, let’s say. Or is it me who is irrational?

I am baffled to find out that a woman can let a man physically abuse her and yet stays with him because he loves her when he is not drunk. Willing to marry a man when she knows after marrying him he will just sit on the couch with his beer, does zero amount of housework and doesn’t show any interests in her until he wants sex.

I always hear from guys at work that I shouldn’t try to understand women. ‘Let them do whatever they want and just pretend to be interested’, ‘You will never understand them because they don’t understand themselves’. Funny enough it is those guys who women are attracted to.

OK, I will ditch my plan and save it till later. Happy now??

Big cousin, Little cousin

I am completely shattered at the moment. I don’t like to drink coffee unless I have to but I already had my second cup this morning, and it is just 10.22. How can I write a blog during office hours? Well, I worked 8-7 in the past 3 days and I think I am entitled to a longer coffee break than usual. On top of that, I have to work this weekend as well so I guess tonnes of coffee are on the card.

Yesterday, I had a brief IM conversation with my little cousin. At 15, he is no longer ‘little’ but I will always see him as a baby because I held him in my arms when he was young and we played football, basketball and PC games together – ages ago, of course. It was great fun then. He told me he has a girlfriend now, which made me very happy because he is growing up and it is an amazing experience for anyone to go through. First love is sweet but sour (don’t want it to sound like some Chinese takeaway dish). I wish him all the best and I hope things will go smoothly for him.

Not so good news is that I have to work this weekend. Although I can choose not to do it but some extra money doesn’t hurt. The OT is not a lot but the mileage I can claim back is rather attractive. Anyway, just want to get this project out the way so I can dive into the meaty part before the end of the year. Some extra cash won’t hurt, can spend more on the date and spoil Miss E a bit :)

Too husband, sigh…

My depression continues… On one hand, I am glad that the house is sold and there is money in the account. Not mine of course, but my parents. But anyway, one less trouble for me and now I can be as impulsive as I want and pack a bag and go on an exhibition if I wanted. Something I have always wanted to do.

Back to the point. We had a farewell party on Saturday to wish our friend Elaine a more prosperous life in Hong Kong. There were many people and my good friend Connie + Miss E were also there as well. I am a bit mixed about the evening because I felt I am so far away from everyone.

Thanks to Elaine and Connie, I managed to have a few words here and there with Miss E. It was very pleasant and I do feel that spending time with her (on a 1-to-1 level) would be quite enjoyable. However, my gut feeling is that I am not the right type for her. I enjoy a quiet life and a walk in the park is something I like doing, I like to eat good food and watch musicals when I can and I don’t think she likes that kind of life. On top of that, I am 3 years older in human years but with me thinking like an old man all the time… errr…

I am trying to understand why I am saying this. Am I playing it down so my fragile heart won’t be broken easily this time, or do I actually mean it? Don’t get me wrong, I would love to find out and I pray that all my negative thoughts are nothing but pure paranoia.

On the way back to London on Sunday, I had the pleasure to travel with Elaine. We talked a lot and I learnt what my potential flaws are when it comes to relationship. I am very grateful to have that cobversation with her before my potential date with Miss E (if and when it comes). I am confident that I am a good husband and a good father but I just don’t have enough experience on the dating side to impress someone enough to get to that point.

I said to her I can only be picked because I am not a hunky guy who attracts girls. But I am not going to let that drags me down. New approach here!!! ‘First date is the last date’ – let’s enjoy the evening and make it a special night for Miss E. If she is happy, I am happy so it is a classic ‘Win Win’ situation here for us.

I can sense that I will have to make a big decision around December. Will I be lucky and head off to Canada, or will I be able to end my search because I found the love of my life? Only time will tell…

Week 42 – Ipswich / Colchester

More travelling this week yet again. I guess moving into a shed is a subconscious move to give myself more reasons to go on site.

Tuesday

I went to Colchester and had dinner at Fai’s noodle bar. It is quite funny that Fai is actually an Englishman. Food was OK for that price but I won’t go again as I can make better Chinese food myself. Food for thought… I always eat alone at home, but yet I found eating alone with better food at good restaurants rather depressing.

Wednesday

I have always wanted to eat at a seafood restaurant and this evening was my first time. The restaurant is at Ipswich and it is called Loch Fyne. The environment is pretty good, I like the way that there is an upper floor and the tables and chairs are a good match for the food. What about the food???

To start with, I had half a dozen of oysters on ice. Impression… the plate setting was good, the oysters were small but fresh. I do have a complain about the amount of broken shell surrounding the oysters. I fully understand it is hard to break open oyster shells but I was eating at a seafood restaurant so I expect the chef to be more careful with how he/she opens the oysters. For the main, I had scallops and king prawns served with a very light garlic and cream sauce. Again, the ingredients were fresh but the prawns were wasted because they spent too long in the oven causing the meat to be tough. What they should do is to lightly cook the scallops and then put the prawns in. Anyway, I am going to give it another go tomorrow.

After yesterday’s dinner, the car seemed awfully quiet so I just stuck a cassette tape into the player (I am poor so no CD/iPOD). When the music started, I realised it was the mixed tape I made for my ex. It has been almost 4 years since we broke up and the tape just got me depressed. Not that I am still crazy about her but it does bring back many memories…

I used this analogy to describe how I felt to Miss C.

“Love is like a stock market. I am like a stock, a stock that doesn’t go up and down like there is no tomorrow. Those who would pick this stock are those who either lost it all before, or afraid to lose. Most girls go for stocks (guys) who are wild and unattainable so that when this stock shot through the roof and made millions, they would feel they made the right choice until it goes bust. The whole point of entering the stock market is to get a chance to win big. Just like love, we would love to get our prince, or princess, to win someone who is ‘out of your league’. Is it wrong to be honest and truthful about who we all are and accept that I am in a certain value range and can only wait?”

There is a different between low self-esteem and brutally honest. I don’t knock myself down, I know who I am and I know how human beings work. I don’t tell myself that I am a prince because I am not one.

Thursday

I returned to Loch Fyne for another seafood dinner. This evening, my pick was the oysters in garlic and breadcrumb to start, then mussels in lime and coconut sauce for main.

The starter was very disappointing. I had the same dish before at Citrus, Sheraton Park Lane near Green Park. It was so good that if I have to compile my top 10 favourites, it would certainly in the top three. Let me explain why I was so disappointed with the dish tonight.

First, the breadcrumb was far too fine. Second, it was cooked in the oven. Third, there weren’t even a hint of garlic in the oysters. Let me put it this way, when I put the oyster into my mouth the breadcrumb just filled my mouth and stuck to the wall. You can’t put fine (grain-size) crumbs in the oven and expect it to give a good taste in the mouth. The oysters were overcooked so you couldn’t appreciate the freshness. What made the Citrus dish so great was that the crumbs were large and the oysters were fried in oil (only for a very short period of time to give the right texture). The result was a very crispy exterior and yet a very juicy and soft inside.

The main was significantly better. When the pot opened, the steam rose and brought a very refreshing smell into my nostril. The mussels were fresh and they were very clean. My pick against that dish was the excessive onions they put into the sauce that left a bit too much of a kick / spice in my mouth.


Friday

Well, completion day today and it is glad to see some money in the bank. Not my money though, but it is still nice.

Week 41 – Moving into a shed

Becoming a ‘shedman’ – a man who lives in a shed is not easy. Just like many other decisions in my life, they turned out to be wrong and brought more hassles and pain. Anyway, life has to go on and ‘suck it up’ is slowly climbing onto the top of my list of golden words.

To sum up the living conditions:

The hot water is no longer hot after 1 min in the shower. Cold showers are always available at 6:30 in the morning as the boiler is on timer and doesn’t turn on until 7.
My TV is under 3 feet from my face and it is quicker for me to change channels with my finger than pickup up the remote.
The TV reception is so poor I can barely see channel 4 + 5, which is a pain for a guy who likes US programmes.
There is no space for a table so I had to put a plate on my chair and eat off there.

Sounds sh**e doesn’t it? A shed for 495 a month… But I know I can get through this because there are many out there who has to live on the street. I set a limit to spend on my salary and there is no way I am paying close to 30% of my income on accommodations. I picked the price, knew what I was going to get for that price so ‘SUCK IT UP’ is the result.

Should I get a white imported Celica from Japan? Or keep my money and use it for camera gears and take a chance with my Renault Megane?

Week 40 – Newcastle

I returned to Newcastle again this week. When I was told about the news, I was relieved and yet excited about going back. It is not the case that I enjoy the long trip on the train and taxi, but I am going to see her again after a 3 weeks break.

The train journey was pretty much normal, apart from the euphoria that almost made me overslept and ended up at Edinburgh.

The moment I walked into the restaurant and saw her, my heart exploded. I have no idea why, but to me, it felt like seeing a long lost ‘sweetheart’ despite the fact that we don’t know anything about each other. This time, she was more chatty and asked me where I have been for the past 3 weeks. We talked more than we used to and I thought I might have a remote chance.

After some consideration, I decided to give her my contact details. I was mulling over when to do that (just like any inexperience and shy person – boys and girls included). Then, as if god was looking down to me I had a minute of alone time with her. I limped towards her and then handed over the note. I said to her it might be useful in the future. Not a classic line in anyway, probably the worst thing ever. However, it was still better to say something and made a fool of myself then not making a move at all. Life is too short to walk away from a chance.

2 friends, 2 opinions. Objective view (A lady friend) is that it doesn’t matter who made the move as long as a move is made. She won’t call me because a girl is naturally shy, but I needed to do something to let her know I am around. Subjective view (A guy friend) said I should have asked for her number and be persistence.

I consider myself a gentleman and so I didn’t push her. Would she give her phone number to a guy who eats at the restaurant she works at every time he is in Newcastle? I still want to eat there once in a while and it is better to be cool than needy. What’s your opinion? I talked to ‘Sifu’ about her and his first question was ‘Don’t you mind she is only a waitress?’ My answer, without hesitation was ‘I don’t care who she is and what she does for living’. I want to believe that love is without boundary, class, race, age, just pure fate and gut feeling…

By the way, she cut her hair and now she looks more mature and much more attractive. More of an attractive sexy look than a cute innocent look.