Mr Standby, at least I have an R.

Hello everyone. Let’s get back to my normal ranting mode and show my dissatisfaction to be a second best / standby. I see myself as a good person who cares about friends and would like to look after another person, love her and makes her realise that she is very important, at least to me. But unfortunately, because of my natural nice-ness people like to take a piss and think they can walk all over me.

Despite I have had one relationship and a handful dates, I found the phase ‘You are so nice, but let’s be friend’ absolutely insulting. So the only way to get a girl is to be an arse? No No No… at least I don’t believe it that.

What I believe is that it will just work when the right person is in front of you. Minimum effort but maximum result because both people are in the zone, so to say.

I am glad that I have friends looking out for me. Connie got angry because I am being used by someone, as usual. But I said to her, it is my choice to get to know her, I want to invest some time on that. Does it matter if she is playing around? I know what to expect and in fact, I expect nothing. So to follow on that point I might lose on the financial side but really, I am only paying for my tuition.

“If you expect nothing, even a grain for sand can make you feel on top of the world.”

Yes, I was going out on the date on the coming Saturday, but being put on standby again. I give her all the benefit of the doubts on this planet, maybe even the universe but there is a limit. I wanted to invite someone else to the Arsenal game and Cruft instead but I gave her my word and I just can’t say ‘forget about it I am taking someone else’. It is ok to play games if you know whom you are playing. I am not as soft as a competitor as I seem.

Whether I will go ahead and be a tough arse is another matter. All I want to say is that I gave it a go. I can certainly push more but I am not asking a piece of paper, so… No thanks to standby, please introduce me to some nice girls.

The return of the R….

It is nice to be in an R again. I sat in one last Friday and if everything goes according to plan I will pick it up this Friday. This one is older, higher mileage but got uprated brakes… groovy indeed… I am looking forward to drive my R around and spend more time with her this time round. With a car, you know what you get, with a girl, it is just like a temperamental French car. For me, no one can separate me from the car. It will always be loyal to me and won’t run away, unless I left the key in the ignition!!! Which can’t be said on some sections of people.


Ego too huge for my own good

I had a chat with ‘professor’ Brian and he said to me it takes 100 dates to get a girl to commit to you. You need to show her she means something. I thought… umm… I agree in principle but if she is interested, she will put in time, right?

The problem with me is that my Ego is too big for my own good. ‘Fire me’ is my attitude for work and I always carry the thoughts that I will not have problems getting a job. When it comes to emotional matter, my thought is NO girl is good enough to make me a standby.

Both Sifu and professor said I give up too easily, which I agree. I haven’t given up but I am taking it ultra easy because I have other things in mind.

Mind at rest

Yesterday (Sunday 14th), Miss E and I finally went out for a meal and I really enjoyed it. She is very nice as usual, the dinner was good quality as well and overall it was a night to remember for me.

I put in a lot of effort to make it a special evening for her and I felt it was well worth it. Flowers, restaurant, little thoughtful present, etc etc. I was really knackered after the meal because I didn’t get much sleep for a couple days and the driving was taking its toll. On the way back, I had 3 close calls with God the almighty. You know when you are tired, you know you have to get home quickly, so you end up driving quicker. Luckily, I am still hanging around and I can’t die just yet.

This morning, got a text from her and she said she had a great time. Very nice it was indeed, made my day totally.

I worked with a big smile on me all day and what made me even happier is that I solved the problem for a customer just by turning up and made some minor changes to the config. After work, returned to Loch Fyne for a meal, then back to Hotel for a Steam, Swim, Steam Spa… what a great day!!!

In every which way, I felt she is that person because I am seeing signs that remind me of her. Or I am seeing signs because I think about her so I associate every little thing out there to her???

I shall take it easy because she is not ready and neither am I. She is too young and I put too much responsibility on my shoulder i.e. buy a place and can support my family etc etc. Maybe somewhere down the line things will happen, but right now, a date from time to time would be the icing on the cake.

Of course, I need to get another Rrrrrrrrr :)


I am taking a piss

For no particular reasons, I no longer care about work anymore. It is like being struck in the head by a lighting bolt, I am finally awake!! I will still do more than what I am getting paid for. However, I will not get myself stressed out because ‘What’s the point? They don’t give a damn!’

This job does offer great flexibility as I can disappear any time I want and in a way do whatever I want whenever I want.


Another R or Celica?

On Saturday, I went the distance to find my second R. Why? Wouldn’t it be better to keep another 10K in the bank? Umm.. I totally agree with that. A clear head would be to keep that 10K and then combine it with my fortune and buy a place. However, I am 25 and it would be nice to have my R back once again.

I took a Celica T out for a spin and I was really disappointed. OK, it is a 1.8 but it just can’t compare with an R. The gearing is sluggish and how small is the car??? The salesman did try to get me to part with my cash but 10K for a 02 plate CTR with 60K miles on the clock?? I am not stupid, I can get it for 8K. What an insult to my intelligent.

To E or Not to E

Trying to be cool, take it easy, but I do want to see her… I need an R to take my mind off…

Patch, damn it patch!!!!

It is already 18:03 and I am dying to leave the bloody office but guess what, there are still works to be done. What I really don’t like is that why should I working my arse off when they are paying me as a level 1 engineer and I have to do shitloads more than a level 1, more like 2.5 at the moment.

What I am doing right now is to wait for the bloody platform to patch… You put everything on there and then execute. 1 hour later it still hasn’t started patching. I know there is something fundamentally wrong but I can’t fix it because I am dragged to do other things.

Please God, let me go in peace, to go somewhere I can enjoy the sunset and do something which can help others. Alternatively, a high pay job will do just fine.

Life-wise… same as usual. Started the week pretty well when Miss E replied and say we go out on Saturday. Then a no because there is something else how about Sunday… If I don’t put in the effort to get to know her then maybe I will miss out on either 1: maybe I am not that bad afterall. 2: She is not the same person I think she is so R.I.P.

Either way, I will learn to be relax and see it as an excuse for a nice meal with someone… with a 5 hours return trip… would be nice not to feel second best though.

Puzzles of love

If one’s love life can be described by a puzzle then she is the piece that makes it complete.

I have met Miss E on the 30th. We had dinner, a few games of tiles before I dropped her home with her presents. In many ways, I felt she is THAT person for me but I can’t read her and it unsettles me quite a bit. Just like being an idiot.

As I said a zillion times before, I am not asking a lot and she is just prefect for me. It is like finding that one piece that completes the whole picture. I like taking photos, she likes being photographed, I like dogs and so is she, we both like beautiful sceneries and I love cooking, she loves to eat. I don’t like someone who drinks or gotten drunk before, she doesn’t drink at all. I prefer someone who enjoys spending time at home then out partying all the time, she is a very ‘home’ person… I can’t ask for anything more apart from asking her to be my wife.

Still a maybe for a dinner / date, that’s why I refer it as a deferred reject from 2006… Let’s pray it won’t be the case.


The missing letter

When you smile, my heart explode and I struggle to find the breath I need to tell you how amazing and gorgeous you are. Every time I see you it’s like looking at a picture, a picture of what my life will be like with you. It is everything I wish and dream of. If love is impulsive then I am guilty of falling for you without thinking. If I can only love once in my life I don’t wish to love anyone else but you.

I have never said ‘I love you’ to anyone before because I just couldn’t say it if I don’t mean it with my whole heart. To you, I know I can say it and I want to say it to you everyday. I am not a good liar, when I try to lie, I stutter, blush and my ears go red. I would never lie to you because hurting you is like hurting myself but a million times worse. I would love to look after you, make you feel safe and make you feel happy for as long as you want me to.

Why are women treating themselves like that??

I really don’t want to write this because it involves people I know but I am p’ed off about how one does not respect their own self. Very strong words but we are talking about serious matters here. I am sure some people might say I am over the top with my comments and I agree. I just found it tough to understand why a supposed to be intelligent person is willing to go through with this because she can’t stand to be alone.

Scenario 1 – a guy is boring…

Let’s put it this way, nobody is perfect and one should not compare an individual to another just because they are assuming the role of boyfriend to the same girl. I heard things like ‘he is sweet but he just listens to me and doesn’t argue, so boring’. I do agree some constructive arguments are good for the relationship but if she wants to argue for nothing just for the hell of ‘I would like my man to conquer me’ then leave these good guys out and stay with the bad guys with no future or those who use you as a punch bag.

Scenario 2 – Being stabbed in the heart is not a recoverable procedure

Going out with a guy and then spend the night with an ex (assuming nothing happened). Can a guy with some self-respect accept that? I am certainly not one of them. To think that he should take you back is a thought out of the rear. You said he is boring and then when he stands up for himself you said he should accept your apology. I am a very fair person and I am sorry to say that when you made that move you already sent out one very clear message – I don’t respect you.

Scenario 3 – Attention seeking should be used sparingly unless you are a child.

After all these, relationship ended and the classic ‘let’s be friends’ line came out. A woman can wake up with a man and says ‘I don’t love him anymore but I still want to see him as a friend’. Before all the sexist comments being tossed at me I would like to make a very clear point. If the guys truly loves you he would find it difficult to keep seeing you ‘as a friend’ immediately after the break-up. A scum would be ok with it as he was in there for the sex to begin with or doesn’t mind some sympathy / casual sex after. If you seek forgiveness then you should let him go in peace. If you had ever loved him you should let him choose how he wants to handle it. Good guys can’t drop all the emotions like a woman because they care and they still want to look after the woman, only a scum can drop it easy because he didn’t care to begin with.
Jumping up and down and saying ‘He should forgive me, I already said I am sorry’ is just like a playground children act. ‘Look at me, look at me, it is not my fault’. Please go to the loo and check the mirror PERIOD!!!!

Scenario 4 – He is walking all over you, you have no self-respect?

A scum, who is old enough to be one’s father uses his very poor sex jokes as a method to humour the girl. ‘Oh, that’s funny’… Let’s turn back time for a month. He doesn’t want anything serious, your ultimate aim is a family so the goals are not the same. He went after your friend, who is also your age. Do you see a problem there? Still don’t? Let’s look further.

I don’t want to come across as a person with my own agenda. Yes, the scum was starring at ‘the one I care’s’ breasts at a dinner gathering whilst he was still with the girl. Yes, the scum was trying to get ‘the one I care’ to go out with him after he was dumped because he was lonely. If these are known fact then why when he text you saying he is lonely you got all edgy and excited and want to invite him to come over ASAP?

If you let a scum treats you like dirt then congratulation to you as you have managed to achieve one major milestone which is you found respecting yourself unbearable.

The 2006 review and the 2007 resolutions

What can I say about 2006… I asked 3 girls out, got 1 first date (then a reject), 1 straight rejection and 1 deferred reject. To me, that is a big step up as I have only asked 0 girls out since breaking up with my ex. The anger with her had gone down the drain and we do speak from time to time. She said to me,‘You are a good guy’. Very simple words but it is always nice to hear some compliments.

In terms of achievement I have completed my PADI open water qualification earlier in the year in freezing cold water in Southampton, had my first ever car accident and walked away from it, stepping up my photography with my dream lens – the one and only 70-200mm F2.8 L IS. It is bloody heavy to carry around but the F4 IS is too noisy and not as well built as the F2.8.

The house in Brighton was sold at last and now I am living in a garden shed somewhere outside Reading. Work-wise, I learnt a lot this year. Now I am confident enough to run the platform myself but not too happy about doing a lot of level 2 works and still getting only level 1 pay. Since my boss had kept my notice I guess I can always stay on. Anyway, I know what I can do so not too worried about the future.

Not a lot I can add to 2006, life is life and it is just another day waiting to meet that person, the one and only.
Looking ahead to 2007, I will have to sort out a couple things first. Job – stay or go. Car – getting another one or not. House – will buy a place if there is a chance with her.

Is it right to plan my life around an unknown? Probably not but that says how important whoever she may be.

Need to go on the road trip this year… hopefully with her.

I guess it is either the world’s most stupid or ingenious move to ask Miss E to go to Crufts with me. In principle, I got a yes but I can never be sure until we are there.